a trip to remember?

it was the fifth day of chinese new year. i woke up. feel a little weird, but nothing came up to my mind. it was AFTER i brush my teeth that i realize what is going on.

I AM GOING TO MEET MY DAD!

well, you probably go, huh? what's the big deal?

let me tell you, whoever you are, that the big deal is:

1. he left us (me, my mother, and brother)

2. he left because he had a huge debt.

3. i haven't saw him since October

4. i did talk to him several times, on the phone, awkwardly.

5. i'm not sure i had quite forgiven him yet.

i can practically write more, but i think it'll suffice for now.

i thought my mom would be feeling kind of weirded out about the trip, turns out i am wrong. i thought that my mom kind of fell out of love with my dad already, after all he had done (he had did quite a lot of foolish and stupid and dumb things), turns out i am wrong, again, i guess.

my mom was getting a little worked up that my brother and i woke up late. hello, 9am on a holiday is NOT late. but, anyway, then she kinda wears nicely, puts on make-up(which is another big deal because my mother SELDOM wear make up) and she kinda rummaged the cupboard to find a bag my dad gave her. ok, turns out i am mega-wrong. my mom have no problem whatsoever about meeting my dad. GREAT.

so, then, i thought my brother would be a little weird about meeting my dad as well. turns out, yes, you guessed it, I AM WRONG, again. though he didn't show it, i can tell that my brother is kinda excited to meet my dad.

which leads me back to, ME! i dont really know how i feel about the whole thing. seriously, i know i don miss him, that's for sure. and i know that i don't really feel anything different about not having him around. and i definitely sure that i have not forgiven him for not putting his family-first, which landed us in this mess. so, i got up, got ready and took off on a trip that i couldn't care less about.

i know i am being brat/bitch right now, but seriously that's how i freaking feel.

after a 2 hours trip (i think) we finally reached ****** the place he is currently hiding in (not gonna reveal it in case the "ah long" reads my blog). i dreaded each step i took up the stairs because i dont know how i am gonna face him.

he opened the gate, let us in. he hugged my brother, tightly. i stood in a corner. he hugged m mother next. i stood in a corner. he noticed me and came to me and gave me hug, unlike my mother or brother, i DID NOT hug back. i just stood there like a stick.

he asked us to sit. talk around (my aunt/uncle/cousins are there as well). i remained silent. then, we al get ready to go sight-see in ******. he brought us around, which isnt really necessary cause i can tell that the atmosphere is a little awkward, or is it just me?

anyway, after that, we went and have dinner, sit around to talk some more (remained silent, of course) then went home.

before i leave, i managed to say "bye" to him. that's all.

i am confused. how can my mother be all smiles and talk to him like nothing is wrong? like he hadnt cause troubles for her?

how can my brother act like nothing had happened and this is just another family trip?

i know that both of them (mom and bro) are quite happy and they will be, or they are, ready if there is any chance that the family will get back together again.

i know for sure that if by any chance, he can come back here, everything solved, he came back, there will be some kind of awkward line between me and him. THERE WILL BE.

and, i'm not sure what i am gonna do about it.