bond

i just realize that my friends actually read my personal blog entries (other than in KiSiao United).

i dunno why but suddenly i felt really teary-eyed. i had heard from jojo before that Ilex wrote in her blog (i don read blogs, i am still in the stage of trying to write them) that she really appreciates our friendship and that she hopes that we can stay together till the end (i think her post goes something like that)

anyway, that's how i felt now as well.

for one, JoJo being one of my best friends now is like a little miracle or something like that. it's because though we knew each other in secondary school, we weren't really close. we are friends, i guess, but at times we're like acquaintances. so, how she and I connects now -acting like a pair of twins, having the same expressions, doing the same gestures and saying the same things now- really make me feel happy that we have this bond and i hope, like everyone else does, that this will last forever.

and also, going out with my friends to Jenjarom that time really bring a lot of happy memories. it's making my college life so much better and from that trip, i really got to know more about them through our sessions of pillow talk. i realized that many people are not who they seemed to be on the surface. they might look happy and strong, but deep down, they have a secret they were afraid to share.

anyhow, just using this opportunity to tell all my friends that i am here for you guys and you can always come to me when you need someone to talk to or you need someone to cheer you up. i dont mind being a clown if i got to make you smile.

i hope this bond between us stays strong and would never ever break!!!

impending doom upon impending adulthood?

i am seriously getting more and more paranoid nowadays. i wondered whether it comes with the big "one eight". hmm, to me, being 18 is kinda like you had this "imaginary" boundary lifted slightly, so that you are granted a little freedom. BUT, we wouldn't be getting complete freedom until we're 21, that's the age that i actually accounted as an adult.

anyway, the big ONE EIGHT is just two days away. so, kind of looking forward to that.

unfortunately, i think i saw him again this morning. bloody hell man, i seriously freaked out because this time he sat at the bus stop facing the inside, which is where i was. f**k man. i am still not sure whether or not it is him, but still, it really scared the neraka out of me.

upon seeing him, i quickly walked away. then, i saw shadow of a person running towards me from the back. let me tell you, my heart stopped functioning for 2 seconds.

let's just say it's a auntie who almost missed her bus and i thank whoever it is that i need to thank.

i wonder whether this is a sign?

shit, i'm getting paranoid!!!

a ghost of the past

i thought that everything would be alright when i started attending college.

i thought that nothing's gonna happen now since i ignored his or his friend's call since April.

i thought that by now everything will be back to normal.

i got scared shitless this morning.

i was getting down from my aunt's car and going to cross the bridge when i caught glimpse of someone leaning against the telephone booth. he looked familiar. i blinked a few times before looking at him again, cause i slept in the car and my eyes are still unwilling to open. my eyes locked to him and i think he is looking at me. quickly i looked away, cause that guy seriously looked like him. and i dont wanna see him again. not anymore. he's from my past. anyway, i can feel that he looked at me for a while from the corner of my eyes. he looked a little confused, maybe wondering whether i am me, since i had gotten my hair cut short, that is, if he is him.

i walked faster and quickly crossed the bridge, without sparing a glance at the figure by the telephone booth. not wanting to make sure whether he is him.

please let just hope that it isn't him so that i wouldn't see him that often if he were to be at the bus stop at that time every morning.

even if he is him, i hope that he wouldn't actually be there every morning. let's just hope today is only a once in a while thing.

i'll keep my fingers crossed!

a movie back in time.

"You jump, I jump,"

this is a tagline that is so famous, you know which movie it's from one it is mentioned. i am proud to be the one in the category that says, "Duh? It's from Titanic,"

unfortunately, I had never, EVER watched the movie before. Seriously. I'm not kidding. 12 years. The movie had been around for 12 years and I had never watched it before. sure, i got a glimpse of it here and there, but never the full movie.

tonight, though, i FINALLY had gotten the chance to watch it. thanks to my beloved friend, VICTOR SIEW! i love you, don worry, i promise i wont glare at you for a whole week. not that you will read this blog so, whatever, i will still glare at you.

anyway, back to topic. i finally watched the movie and let me tell you, i CRIED like NERAKA at the end. my eyes now all puffy and read.

i used to laugh at my mommy because she cried easily when she watched a movie and she said she was hugging a tissue box when she was watching Titanic. I LAUGHED at her then. now, SHE laughed AT ME!

i was watching and crying when she came into my room and she looked at me for a second. then, at the screen. then back at me. THEN, she freaking laughed!

whatever la, since i laughed at her before so, i figured that it's only fair that she laughed at me. it's all good. btw, i'm gonna head on to fanfiction there and check out stories in TITANIC! jack is my new dream man!

signing out,

JACK! here i come!

a trip to remember?

it was the fifth day of chinese new year. i woke up. feel a little weird, but nothing came up to my mind. it was AFTER i brush my teeth that i realize what is going on.

I AM GOING TO MEET MY DAD!

well, you probably go, huh? what's the big deal?

let me tell you, whoever you are, that the big deal is:

1. he left us (me, my mother, and brother)

2. he left because he had a huge debt.

3. i haven't saw him since October

4. i did talk to him several times, on the phone, awkwardly.

5. i'm not sure i had quite forgiven him yet.

i can practically write more, but i think it'll suffice for now.

i thought my mom would be feeling kind of weirded out about the trip, turns out i am wrong. i thought that my mom kind of fell out of love with my dad already, after all he had done (he had did quite a lot of foolish and stupid and dumb things), turns out i am wrong, again, i guess.

my mom was getting a little worked up that my brother and i woke up late. hello, 9am on a holiday is NOT late. but, anyway, then she kinda wears nicely, puts on make-up(which is another big deal because my mother SELDOM wear make up) and she kinda rummaged the cupboard to find a bag my dad gave her. ok, turns out i am mega-wrong. my mom have no problem whatsoever about meeting my dad. GREAT.

so, then, i thought my brother would be a little weird about meeting my dad as well. turns out, yes, you guessed it, I AM WRONG, again. though he didn't show it, i can tell that my brother is kinda excited to meet my dad.

which leads me back to, ME! i dont really know how i feel about the whole thing. seriously, i know i don miss him, that's for sure. and i know that i don't really feel anything different about not having him around. and i definitely sure that i have not forgiven him for not putting his family-first, which landed us in this mess. so, i got up, got ready and took off on a trip that i couldn't care less about.

i know i am being brat/bitch right now, but seriously that's how i freaking feel.

after a 2 hours trip (i think) we finally reached ****** the place he is currently hiding in (not gonna reveal it in case the "ah long" reads my blog). i dreaded each step i took up the stairs because i dont know how i am gonna face him.

he opened the gate, let us in. he hugged my brother, tightly. i stood in a corner. he hugged m mother next. i stood in a corner. he noticed me and came to me and gave me hug, unlike my mother or brother, i DID NOT hug back. i just stood there like a stick.

he asked us to sit. talk around (my aunt/uncle/cousins are there as well). i remained silent. then, we al get ready to go sight-see in ******. he brought us around, which isnt really necessary cause i can tell that the atmosphere is a little awkward, or is it just me?

anyway, after that, we went and have dinner, sit around to talk some more (remained silent, of course) then went home.

before i leave, i managed to say "bye" to him. that's all.

i am confused. how can my mother be all smiles and talk to him like nothing is wrong? like he hadnt cause troubles for her?

how can my brother act like nothing had happened and this is just another family trip?

i know that both of them (mom and bro) are quite happy and they will be, or they are, ready if there is any chance that the family will get back together again.

i know for sure that if by any chance, he can come back here, everything solved, he came back, there will be some kind of awkward line between me and him. THERE WILL BE.

and, i'm not sure what i am gonna do about it.